Emotions

How important are human emotions? What is the importance of humans sharing those common emotions? I have wondered so m!any times, what if I had some semblance of normal human emotions. How different would my life be. Over achievers are born out of a desire yto achieve the extraordinary. Has anyone ever wondered why ordinary is not enough for them?

I have some idea of this scenario, in my entire life I have never seen normal. I have witnessed an absent childhood, my achievements, my glorious days of childhood went uncelebrated. My parents were there sort of, no interest towards me I had seen. That was still normal for me. Then I saw deaths, diseases and life threatening conditions even before I was a teen.

In my eyes I had seen the horrors before the joys, the rawness in me was taken away by the hard truths of life and I lived through them. I may have never felt loved but I did survive. Its so hard to live when u can't do the simple things in life but could solve unsolved problems in this world. People ask me that how I do all this, I don't have the guts to tell them that even for my worst enemies, I wish them to not go through my life.

I am lost, I definitely need a way. I know I can survive but I don't want to fight anymore I want to live. Then I wonder whatever I am thinking right now is a product of I don't how many chemicals churning my brain and then I wonder who put all these thoughts in my head. What is life , what are these emotions?

The Greatest Game Ever Played

It's highly likely that humanity has no goal. Our aims and desires are limitless. When will we say that it's enough. If, we say it aren't we on the verge of extinction. We survived because we compete and our brains are hardwired to win irrespective of our talent's skills and capabilities. It sets us apart as we will do anything to win. our mind does not know what is it to lose.

But is the mind us or a part of us. If it is a part of us, we are in big trouble. A part of our machinery which was always a leader in its own right has been pompously upgraded to its own unique class of being the contrtoller. A part with that much control will always aim for preservation. What if, it needs some competition to rise to the level it can be. What it, if after such a long time we have still got it all wrong.

I don't know if our lives have any purpose or we are the epitome of an unstable disease capable of consuming everything in sight. Maybe we have been into contamination, isolated from the world to wither away and die. With it all existence of us annihilated and the world be free. Maybe we have no future and are born to consume each other. Survival of the fittest they say it is. What if I am the fittest and the last man standing. Alone will it be and life will laugh at us for being victorious in the biggest struggle but one step away from a nameless end. It would be the greatest game ever played.

An even greater irony is the fact that I as an individual will not live even enough to understand the situation. For all that I can see, my mind stops me from being successful.

What is the idea? What do we want to achieve?
Money, a good fuck, acceptance, fame, immortality, love ?

Thoughts

"The good times of today, are the sad thoughts of tomorrow"

-Bob Marley 

               There are times when you ponder back in time and wonder if things had gone in another way, how would your life have been. Well I have been really stuck there for a while in my life, there is an enormous amount of what if's which are hard for to fathom. Its like a cycle, a self perpetuating mechanism in which I can go deeper and deeper into and for totally nothing. When I come out of it, it is not going to be the better of me, more likely I am going to maybe a little worse than before. Embracing the madness is eventually going to consume me and every second that I think about it, it is altering me maybe for the good but I am very sure definitely for much worse. I have been wrong in life and I so hope I be wrong this time.

I need to get out of this painless dull gnawing thoughts eating me up gradually, slowly over time. They are like water, whatever you do, how much hard you try to stop it, it will eventually find a way. You will start enjoying your life and forget about things, and then like water the dam gets bursted. Your thoughts are invaded, ravaged by the pent up potential of small tiny little thoughts and you wait, you wait for the water to recede. For it maybe the most destructive force present but it also gives life and for that I have to bear it.

As I stand alone here thinking, time will pass but I will stand here with conviction of a belief, that to be better than whatever I thought I could be, I will have to face the worst of everything.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves"
- Buddha

Madness

What are we as a civilization, the horrors that I see humanity is in the atrocities, the murders, massacres, the rapes, the thievery, and utter disregard of believing a human to have any semblance of sense. I refuse to accept it, refuse to accept that humanity is defined by all these things. I may be shit at things which people call as normal, simple things for many like a prolonged conversation, attachments towards humans or objects, a simple smile just to make others feel at ease. I refuse to be all this, I will be intentionally shit cause I will not be evil and give in to the insanity prevalent inside. I am being kind to myself and the world, it is terrifying to know what I am capable of even in the small samples that I have witnessed.

The creation that this Earth harbors and maybe the universe protects are all in danger by humanities inherent thirst for war, for glory for supremacy. I refuse to be a part of this, the madness that you all harbor inside your hearts. I will laugh at it, I will laugh at your face right in-front of you not because you are doing something special. Because you are not doing it right, you could have done whatever you are doing so much better.

If all of this wasn't enough, I will tell you more. Try living a life alone with no contact and an essential thirst to acquire knowledge, keep on acquiring information about everything possible. The more you learn the more you know about life, you realize its a worthless dream, all of us, we are nothing, we stare into nothingness but we dream of being great. I will tell you what being great is, its controlling the basic human tendencies and laughing at its face. Laughing because you know you will do better but why would you not do it, because doing that you will accept everything that you are aghast by, everything that you believe has no sense.

Some people they just cannot fathom it and they turn into even bigger evil incarnations, I will still laugh at all of them. I will say I have embraced the madness and by doing that I am being kind.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be."
-Ken Venturi 

Connections

We live in a highly networked world, this world is populated by thousands of connections that people have. I could be your friend, i could be your sworn enemy or a stranger who you once met and many more of the so called links that bind us with the entire human chain. These connections are easy to spot and form the base of our existence. All of us like to keep the strongest connections that we have close to us and work towards making them stronger. I believe that there is a greater mystery in this world, there are connections which we cannot fathom, actions that we take which resonate across time and have the strongest effect on us beings.


Some people call it as the butterfly effect, "the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state". I like to call it as the law of dependence. The continued existence of a species depends on many factors which are way out of the reach of an individual. As a species those steps were necessary and changed the entire course of time and future. Each small action that you make has a consequence in your life. These small steps that we take they also define, alter and change the course of the future.

Humanity needs more hope, god I bet I need a hell lot of it. I wish I was erudite enough to convey things as brightly as the greatest writers, I will try still cause I have hope
"Be the best of what you can be, for you are nothing in this vast endlessness
at best your face will be remembered by a few, at best you will die loved
but your actions they will be heard by generations"

Just to quote something which conveys this magically:
“My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?”  - Cloud Atlas

Failure

I have been wondering for a while as what do you define failure. If I desperately wanted something and I failed to achieve it should I call it as failure or I should take the failure in its stride and say I was able to achieve so much learning and would be better to not do the mistakes. Everyone in the world says that failure breeds success.
I want so say, failure breeds nothing maybe some desperation which is at is useless, what the world needs is more success. If i was able to get a really hot chick who is out of my league I know as a person what it takes to do that. Its the small success which takes us to the path of glory, if i had failed their I would max know what is the one thing that I should not do. In the infinitesimal universe that we have it hardly matters as what you don't know, what matters is what you know.
The piece of advice I can give is that surround yourself with successful people, maybe you will feel really bad with your nihilism but in the end you will know what it takes to succeed
And that friend is the biggest lesson learnt ever!!!

Things in my head

I am going through my phases of insomnia again. This time there is nothing which I can point to, there is no anger, no revenge. Yet, I feel incomplete, I am somewhere but not where I belong. Things eating my head in order of importance.

Time
Time as a concept is so basic and yet it is so undefined. Its so fuzzy. Time was made so that we could feel finite, we could have a concept of beginning and an end. Time is what make us mortal. Imagine looking at your life from the view of a housefly. You are an immortal god for it. You are an immortal food factory with an infinite amount of food. You are like cibola, no you are more. You are for them heaven.
If I start to ponder deeply, I realize that time is a human construct. Time enables us to put checkpoints in our life's. Time is what gives us our importance, time makes us great. But sadly, greatness is not defined by comparing against your own creations. We as a society have lost the will to achieve more. We are happy in our world and yet we only wonder for what lies outside. To know it you have to let go.
If someone has an answer to this question, "How did people live without time?", please do let me know.

Purpose of life
I have always proclaimed to believe that life has no purpose, we are mere nothings doing something which we called life, which is actually nothing for the greater thing. But deep down, I have hoped there is some purpose, some greater motive of which maybe I can be a part of. These tales of an imaginary mind have caught me also. I get that there is no greater calling, no after life, no consequences only actions. Then I wonder what is life, what i define as life could maybe not be life for someone else. I wonder if real is really real. You lose an idea of real, when you know whatever you see can be altered to any other view just by a flick of your mind. Maybe I am someones simulation. I write decent code but what if I am also a type of code?

Why bother
Then why do I even bother about this, is thinking so much not really worth it. Living or whatever it is might be losing its purpose if I think so much. But I really can't un-think all that I have thought or make unseen the moments I have witnessed. Maybe there is a purpose, maybe there is actually time and maybe all of us are real. I just hope its all true and everything that seems to be is connected.

Hope there are answers someday.